Sunday, May 13, 2007

Do I Disappoint You?

Well, while my hubby is away, Suzie gets to play!
With his car that is.
He recently bought a used Mazda Miata.
It's his mid-life crisis car. Mine now!
He told me to drive it as much as possible since we are selling my car soon and we don't want Sue to smash it or anything.
(He's gone for about 6 weeks).

Yes it is very California to drive a convertible, but I feel really strange when I drive it.
People tend to always look at you when you are cruising with the top down.
I wish they wouldn't.
I fear I am just a huge let down for many.
They are expecting some young hot size zero blonde babe in something low cut and slinky.
What they will find in this green Miata is a middle aged mama (is 44 middle aged?) with an afro ("wind blown" mop headed curls translates into an afro) who lives in jeans and clogs and hardly ever wears makeup.

I always look around when entering or exiting this vehicle.
It is VERY difficult to look graceful as you slide your way into the seat.
I usually slide in and plop down. Even though I have lost weight this year, I am far from svelte, and getting into the Miata, well...oh nevermind. It's too depressing!

Getting in is hard, but getting out is even trickier.
If no one is looking, I will open the door and push my self out of the damn car.
Today I pretended that the eyes of the world were upon me and I swung both legs to the side and bent from the thighs. No pushing needed. Aha! Got it.

Today drove the eency car to the mall to have my eyebrows waxed (and buy a birthday present).
It's so funny how often when we communicate, we very rarely say what we REALLY mean. When I asked to have my eyebrows waxed, what I really wanted to say was, "could you wax my face, please?"
I followed the beautician to a small room and she asks me, "eyebrow wax?" and I say, well, I also need my "uppper lip" [which is actually code for "moustache"] and chin done.

I swear, by the time she had finished, she nearly HAD waxed my entire face! I mean she outlined what could have been a goatee with the wax. If I didn't get these waxings, I would probably be touring with some circus as a bearded lady with a unibrow or something. Nah, I'm kidding. The woman went a LITTLE overboard, I think.

God definately must be a heterosexual male. Why He must make us suffer the world's worst pain during childbirth (and facial waxings!), give us cramps and bloating for a week every month, let us sprout beards as we crawl toward menopause, where we will be greeted with hot flashes and violent mood swings among God knows what other bodily dysfunctions is beyond me.

Imagine a world of opposites: as we age, our metabolism increases! Your friends will say, "girl, you better watch yourself, you are just wasting away!"
I'll shrug and say, "I know...old age. Not a damn thing I can do about it."

16 comments:

BallerinaGurl said...

HAHAHA You know I totally get what you are saying in regards to the waxing and PLOPPING down in cars, plus YES EVERYONE stares at you when the top is down...it is pretty annoying lol.

You rock, and I love you tons! Called you and we need to plan a time for me to drive down to visit before you head out. Perhaps I can bring my convertable and we can rule to world....one brunette at a time! LOL

x0x0x

Amanda and SuperAmanda said...

Hi Sues!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Love Amanda

BlackVelvetLace said...

Shut up Swho, you're gorgeous!!!!!

~Lace~

lryicsgrl said...

HA HA HA!!!
Such fun being a girl innit?

Ah, and you will NEVER catch this Blonde in a convertible, EVER!!! That wind whipped hair, just is not the look for me! I know, I know, I am such a party pooper!!

I liked Velvet's comment:
"Shut up Swho you are GORGEOUS"

Happy Mother's Day, from one to another!!

xo

ginab said...

Oh I think my expectations are more precise. Meaning, when I see a convertible I expect to see a porker old man. Dime a dozen. White.

Happy mother's day and get the picture of my exactness out of your gorgeous head.

-ginab

PS: get a bumper sticker: 'it's rude to stare'.

Suesjoy said...

ha ha ha Gina!
Oh man - I think you are RIGHT!
Thank you Sue, Lace and Amanda!
Happy Mother's day to all!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Suesjoy said...

Oh and Molly -sorry!
Can't forget you!
Yes, please do drive down in your convertible - we can cruise side by side!
DO IT!!!

Happy Mother's Day woman!!!
xxxxxxxxxxx

Ranceman said...

Hahaha funny anecdote Sue!! Here's to a fabulous Mother's Day!! Nice wheels, and the car's not bad either!!!

pictures of lily said...

you are so fantastic, gorgeous in looks and nature...
You stories are always "joy" ful!!
and you really should write for a women's column.. all "our" issues but what can you do? just be like you and make the best of every moment.
much love Sue, and Happy Mothers Day. :-)
xoxo

Bonfire Jones said...

"God definately must be a heterosexual male. Why He must make us suffer the world's worst pain during childbirth (and facial waxings"

Sue, that is why there are more women in Heaven!

All the Best! Ed

Suesjoy said...

ha ha Ed. And you KNOW this (about Heaven) because...???

ta Rance and Lucy/Lily. Hope you had a fab Mother's Day Lucy!

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lin-no-da said...

Sue; Howdy girlfriend!
I'll bet you look smashing in a convertible. My first car was a conv & I miss it so, but we have crazy winters in NY and if you want to drive, you need something big and SUV-ey or you miss work!
Funny that since I got rid of my conv the winters have been less snowy - go figure.

Just popping by to say hi and see when you are moving. Are you stopping by the right coast before you go?

You face looks maahvelous! I cannot see a single hair. And as a brown-haired Italian girl, I completely know where you are coming from. I actually shave my forearms because I hate the hair. Call me whacky!
Love ya

-519Lin

Suesjoy said...

Hi Lin!
So nice to see you here!
Yeah we are going to Mass. in mid-July then flying to Taipei from there. We should definately meet up! That would be fun.


BTW to my dear public:
I wasn't fishing for compliments when I wrote this ok! I was in an Erma Bombeck mood...

xxxxxxxxx

Lannio said...

Hi Sue,

reading your post made me think of a song I used to listen to when I was a youngster and thought that 37 was ancient. It's called The ballad of Lucy Jordan....

The morning sun touched lightly on the eyes of lucy jordan
In a white suburban bedroom in a white suburban town
As she lay there neath the covers dreaming of a thousand lovers
Till the world turned to orange and the room went spinning round.

At the age of thirty-seven she realised shed never
Ride through paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing and she sat there softly singing
Little nursery rhymes shed memorised in her daddys easy chair.

Her husband, hes off to work and the kids are off to school,
And there are, oh, so many ways for her to spend the day.
She could clean the house for hours or rearrange the flowers
Or run naked through the shady street screaming all the way.

At the age of thirty-seven she realised shed never
Ride through paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair
So she let the phone keep ringing as she sat there softly singing
Pretty nursery rhymes shed memorised in her daddys easy chair.

The evening sun touched gently on the eyes of lucy jordan
On the roof top where she climbed when all the laughter grew too loud
And she bowed and curtsied to the man who reached and offered her his hand,
And he led her down to the long white car that waited past the crowd.

At the age of thirty-seven she knew shed found forever
As she rode along through paris with the warm wind in her hair ...

Anonymous said...

It's all about attitude right? We don't need no skinny chicks bringing us down! (although if they want to come to the party and bring cake they're more than welcome in. . ."

Love,
L

Delbut said...

You'll do for me, Sue. Skinny chicks are not hot. You- normal size -are.
Drive that little ol' thing over to blighty and turn my head.

Oh, and God gives you the physical pain because you give us the mental torture! FACT.